James Frain vs. Ben Chaplin
Battle of the Mop-Topped Poncey-Talkers

Now, I'm no expert on Hollywood history, but it seems to me that there used to be something called "Central Casting," which was responsible for supplying actors to various film projects, as in, you would phone Central Casting and say, "I need a burly steelworker type," or "I need a scrawny professor type," and they would have one wrapped up and shipped to you the same day. And now people say things like, "He's straight out of Central Casting," even though, as far as I can tell, Central Casting doesn't exist anymore. But it's not like I'm an insider or anything.

And, I'm sure that when Central Casting was disbanded it was for some very good reason, like it gave too much power to the studios or it damaged the career of Hedy Lamarr or something. But it seems to me that if Central Casting did still exist, it would certainly make great efforts towards clearing up the mess that we all now find ourselves in, vis-à-vis James Frain and Ben Chaplin.

Because, really, if Hollywood is going to maintain its grip on the imagination of the world and at least some vestige of global moral authority, then this kind of redundancy can't, and shouldn't, be tolerated. I mean, I never saw what the big deal was about Ben Chaplin in The Truth About Cats and Dogs and Washington Square because, frankly, last time I checked leading men were supposed to be strapping and silent and beating Indians with sticks or something, and not tall British guys with poncey accents and crooked grins and floppy brown curls, for crying out loud! But my sister said he was cute, so whatever. And I guess they need British guys for those costume movies. And when I saw who I thought was Ben Chaplin in Elizabeth and Hilary and Jackie, I figured, "All right, okay, let the fop have his day." But, of course, it turned out to be this whole other crooked-grinned, curly-brown-haired, poncey-talking guy -- James Frain -- and then there he was again in Where the Heart Is, which wasn't a costume movie at all, and, so, frankly, this can't be allowed to go on. And if Central Casting won't step in and put a stop to this, well, then, by God, you better believe that I'll be the one to tell you that someone should.

Advantage: Chaplin, because he got here first, best as I can tell.