Cast of characters (in order of appearance):

Richard Cook, Chairman, Walt Disney Studios
Nina Jacobson, President, The Buena Vista Motion Pictures Group
Booming, Disembodied Voice
Oprah Winfrey
Eminem
Ron Howard
Brian Glazer
Nancy Tellem, President of CBS Entertainment
Jerry Bruckheimer
Jon Stewart
Gore Verbinski
J.K. Rowling
Tom Cruise
John Lasseter
Mike Fleiss
Ashton Kutcher
Vin Diesel
Ice Cube
John Grisham
Man Eating Chili Dog
and Leslie Moonves as Himself

Scene One. A Hollywood office. The day after the release of Entertainment Weekly's "The Power Issue." Richard Cook sits in a leather chair. Nina Jacobson sits opposite him in another leather chair.

COOK: Nina -- there's something I need you to look at.

JACOBSON: Is it Entertainment Weekly's "The Power Issue," in which we are jointly rated #2? I've already seen it.

COOK: Pretty impressive, no?

JACOBSON: happy that our collective power has finally been confirmed. I have only one thing to add: Richard -- you're fired!

COOK: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! No, Nina -- you're fired!

JACOBSON: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Our completely equivalent power nullifies one another! Neither of us is fired.

COOK [wiping tear of laughter from eye, then suddenly serious]: But there's one thing I don't understand. If it's the Power 101, why is the list divided into 51 "Creatives" and 51 "Suits"? I mean, sure, we're #2 among the suits, but where do we stack up against the Creatives?

JACOBSON: I totally know what you mean! The whole fun of reading the Entertainment Weekly "The Power Issue" used to be in finding out whether, say, Tom Hanks was more powerful than, say, Warner Bros. Chairman-CEO Barry M. Meyer. Like, could Tom totally kick Barry's ass, power-wise, or not? It used to be a definitive list. Now we're not even ranked on the same scale, which sucks.

COOK: I know! I already know that we're more powerful than frickin' Barry M. Meyer. I don't need some lame list to tell me. Like, tell me something I don't know, EW. But could I take on Eminem?

JACOBSON: We could totally take on Eminem. He's only #9 among the Creatives.

COOK: I know, but I want definitive proof. Still, it's good to be #2. Only Leslie Moonves holds more power than we do among the Suits.

JACOBSON: Moonves. Ha! Together, we could --

The room starts shaking. The lights flicker.

BOOMING, DISEMBODIED VOICE: I am the great and powerful Moonves.

COOK: Okay! Okay! She didn't mean it! [to JACOBSON] Nina!

JACOBSON: Sorry.

There is a knock at the door.

COOK: Come in!

Enter Oprah Winfrey.

OPRAH: Hi y'all! Remember me?

COOK: Oprah! #6 among the Creatives! How did you get in here?

OPRAH: My power is strong. Stronger than almost anyone, save for Steven Spielberg and J.K Rowling and a few others.

JACOBSON: Well, that's not strong enough, bitch! You're fired!

Jacobson unleashes power, singeing Oprah.

OPRAH: Damn! I'm singed! Damn! But as sure as I stand here, I am not fired!

Enter Eminem.

EMINEM [to Oprah]: Out my way, bitch! [to Cook and Jacobson) You better lose yourselves! In the music! The moment! You want it! You better never let it go!

COOK: Nina! Run! Though he's only a #9 among the Creatives, his potent combination of musical clout and cinematic success strikes to my very core!

JACOBSON: You haven't seen the last of us!

They exit through secret trap door.

OPRAH: Who you calling "bitch"?

EMINEM: You -- bitch!

OPRAH: Why, you potty-mouthed punk! You're fired!

Enter Ron Howard and Brian Grazer.

GRAZER: Stop this fighting! We're the Creatives! We have to work together!

OPRAH: He speaks the truth.

EMINEM: Screw all y'all! Eminem works for no clan!

GRAZER: Then you're fired!

EMINEM: No, you're fired! I had two platinum albums last year! And an Oscar!

HOWARD: And we've won Best Picture and Best Director, and we've got Mike Myers (#23 Creatives) on board for The Cat in the Hat! Plus, we carry the title of Creatives, but really, we're kind of like Suits! We are Hybrids! Just like the Almighty Bruckheimer!

EMINEM: Damn! Your power defeats me! Fiddy...Cent...where are you? I need your minimal power! Fiddy...[glurk]

Exit Eminem, limping.

GRAZER: We haven't seen the last of that troublemaker. Come on, Oprah! Let's go!

Exeunt Grazer, Howard, and Oprah.

Scene Two. Secret Lair of the Suits. Nancy Tellem, President of CBS Entertainment, sits knitting. Cook and Jacobson rush in, breathless.

COOK: Nancy! Sound the alarm! We were ambushed by Oprah and Eminem!

JACOBSON: The power is strong in those ones!

TELLEM [putting down knitting]: We need Moonves!

COOK: Forget Moonves! We can do this on our own. Prepare the others! Call Amy Pascal, Vice-Chairman of Sony Pictures! She's #12! Call Sandy Grushow, Gail Berman, and Mike Darnell or Fox Entertainment, the cumulative #9!

TELLEM: I want to help, but I'm only a #22. My power is weak.

COOK: Alone, you are weak. But together, we are strong.

JACOBSON: Look! Out the window of the Secret Lair! The signal! The time has come! The final reckoning has begun!

COOK: I see it too! But why does our Secret Lair have windows? That can't be good for security.

Scene Three. Secret bloodsport ring in sewer system overseen by Jerry Bruckheimer. In the ring, a shirtless Jon Stewart (#48 Creatives) holds the bloodied body of Gore Verbinski (#37 Creatives) over his head.

STEWART: Gaaaaaaargh!!

BRUCKHEIMER [applauding slowly]: Well done, Stewart. You were underestimated. Sure, Pirates of the Caribbean did well, but Verbinski was only as good as his next picture. You've got the nation's snarky youth in your thrall.

Stewart snarls, eats Verbinski's hand.

BRUCKHEIMER: Ha! You amuse me. You have done well, and you will be rewarded.

Enter J.K. Rowling, #3 among the Creatives.

ROWLING: M'lord, they approach.

BRUCKHEIMER [quietly]: So. It is time. [loudly] Quickly my Creatives! To your stations! The reckoning has arrived. [normal voice] Rowling, alert the others.

ROWLING: Yes, M'lord.

Exit Rowling. Slowly, the Creatives appear from the shadows: Tom Cruise (#7), John Lasseter (#14), Mike Fleiss (#28), Ashton Kutcher (#50.5) and others.

FLEISS [pointing to Kutcher]: Not him, M'lord! He's not ready! His power is so weak and fleeting! 'Tis only a chimera!

BRUCKHEIMER: We'll need all our strength and all our numbers to withstand this final onslaught.

More Creatives gather in the bloodsport circle.

BRUCKHEIMER: Hear me, Creatives! They have feared us for too long! Yes, they have power, but they hate us, for we have power, fame, and name recognition! We get the big caricatures, and they get nothing! For who would recognize a caricature of Chris Albrecht or Alex Yemenidjian? No one! So, my Creatives -- tonight we end this war. [quietly, to himself] Tonight we end this war.

Vin Diesel lies crumpled in a corner.

DIESEL: My power...is fading....

BRUCKHEIMER: He is weak! Somebody kill him!

Ice Cube eats Diesel's heart. Suddenly, a wall caves in and sunlight streams into the bloodsport circle. Cook and Jacobson stand in the hole in the wall, backlit by the sun.

COOK: Gaze upon us, Creatives. For we are the Suits. And we are legion.

BRUCKHEIMER: Your power is nothing, Cook. I could outpower both you and your wench without even getting up out of this oversized throne on which I sit. I shall fire you both!

JACOBSON: Maybe so, Bruckheimer. Maybe so. But we've not come alone.

They part, and behind them appears the awful figure of Leslie Moonves, #1 among the Suits.

MOONVES: Do you plan to fire me, Jerry?

BRUCKHEIMER [screaming]: Nooooooooo!

Hordes of Suits stream in from behind Moonves and tear into the crowd of Creatives. John Grisham wields a mace, but is quickly felled. The screams of the combatants -- "You're fired!" "No, you're fired!" -- echo up to the surface and leak out faintly onto a Hollywood street through a sewer grate, where an anonymous man sits on a bench at a bus stop, eating a chili dog and reading Scientific American.

Exeunt all. Curtain.