Dennis Hopper Vs. Unicycles

The Case For Unicycles

Beloved by middling buskers and trained bears alike, the unicycle is an unusual conveyance. One could make the argument that it's a perfectly legitimate means of getting from Point A to Point B more quickly than one could do by walking in the conventional way. Then again, once could make the same argument about, say, stilts -- they do allow their wearer to take much longer strides, after all! And we all know the truth, anyway: both stilts and unicycles exist as means for a certain type of person to show off.

Of course, the entire reason that it is showing off to ride a unicycle -- as opposed to a bicycle, for example -- is that the rider is actually in some physical peril. It's awkward even to get onto a unicycle in the first place (it's a wheel, so it rolls, and it rolls away from you, as if to protect itself from your ass) and then, once you're on, it's a challenge just to stay balanced; there's a lot of rolling back and forth and sticking out your arms to stay level. If you can master this skill, however, countless quarters from mildly amused passersby can be yours. And you can save them up to buy an even taller unicycle that's even harder to climb onto.

The Case For Dennis Hopper

In an age where the tabloid imagination has been captured by such noted public fuckups as Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise, one may lose perspective on how crazy an actor can be and still get work in his field. Like, Dennis Hopper? Is crazy. He's a certified stoner, he's been married a zillion times, and there are numerous reports of him being found in various locations, "naked and raving."

About ten years ago he went on The Tonight Show and told an anecdote about Rip Torn pulling a knife on him at dinner when Torn didn't get a part he'd wanted in Easy Rider. Only as Torn recalled it, Hopper had pulled a knife on Torn. Torn sued him for $475,000 and won, and then Hopper appealed the ruling, and another judge not only found in Torn's favour again but also doubled the award.

And yet he's averaged three roles a year since he started his career fifty-one years ago, including this week's Land Of The Dead. People are still willing to work with this guy even though he had Manson lamps before anyone even knew who Manson was. I mean, if you showed up outside your workplace naked and raving, would you expect to be welcomed back the next week? (Try it and see!)

The Decision

The reason a unicyclist bothers to learn his skill is to prove that he can manage something physically demanding and make it look easy. However, the reason anyone watches a unicyclist is that there's a good chance he'll wipe out. To paraphrase Conan O'Brien, there's nothing funnier than when someone is showing off to be funny or entertaining, and then actually hurts himself. Guy can balance on one wheel? Eh. Guy runs that wheel over a tiny pebble, flies off, and lands in a gravel patch, scraping the hell out of his face and biting his tongue? Well, that's awesome.

Dennis Hopper, however, balances precariously on the one wheel of his sanity every minute of his life. He's chosen a career path strewn with hazards -- cracked asphalt, potholes, discarded bottles and shoes (all metaphorical, of course). He may have, at his advanced age, become very proficient in avoiding these perils. But he also may not have, and the likelihood that his unicycle of sanity is about to shoot out from between his legs increases the longer he successfully stays on it: the greater the time between public crashes, the more spectacular the next crash will be when it happens. And it's going to happen. And if he falls face-first into an ornamental koi pond, racking himself on a mailbox as he goes (metaphorically speaking), we will be most entertained, and most gratified.

The Winner

Dennis Hopper