James Woods Vs. Strike-Anywhere Matches

The Case For James Woods

Okay, are you ready for this? It's a show about a cutthroat and amoral defense attorney who flips sides to become a prosecutor. He inherits an eager band of attractive, wide-eyed but naïve protégés. Whereas once he'd do anything to spring a guilty client, now he'll stop at nothing to put them behind bars. It's like House but in a courtroom and the best part is that the lawyer's played by...James Woods!

You have to admit, it's pretty ingenious.

James Woods was such a live wire in Salvador and Best Seller and the vastly underrated True Believer that, for a long time (read: the '80s), we'd watch him in pretty much anything. Even The Boost, which was terrible. Even The Hard Way, which was...well, okay, we didn't see The Hard Way.

But after burning through the '80s (with Sean Young hot on his trail), Woods kind of disappeared in the '90s. Sure, he had supporting roles in Casino and Nixon and World's Deadliest Earthquakes (it's true! Look it up!), but the days of James Woods as an unlikely, fiery, famously not-smooth-skinned, not-really-that-handsome- but-undeniably-charismatic leading man were done. Instead, he took every role offered to him, a few that weren't, and before you know it, he'd become a kind of George Hamilton for the method-acting set, without the tan.

So to whoever had the idea to pluck him now from his call-me-Jimmy Woods semi-retirement, kudos to you. Because starring on a not particularly good network TV show, with a not particularly original premise, and then making it that much better by his off-kilter who-gives-a-shit gleeful presence, is exactly what James Woods should be doing right now. Much as it's exactly what Vincent D'Onofrio should be doing. Because, really, TV on the whole has become a whole lot better since it became a kind of semi-retirement home for really interesting actors who don't really give a shit anymore. Because we're not going to spend any amount of money to see The Hard Way (or, more recenltly, Be Cool). But James Woods for free on a rainy weeknight for an hour, stomping around a courtroom? That's a pretty good deal in our books.

The Case For Strike-Anywhere Matches

In Montreal, there's an old department store downtown -- we think it used to be an Eaton's; not sure what it is now -- that always puzzled us, because as you exited, there were these small cross-hatched plates screwed into the wall, about five feet off the ground. We often wondered what these were, until some history-minded pal explained: they were there for you to light your match on. That is, as you exited the store, you'd strike your match on the cross-hatched plate, light your cigarette, and step out into the Montreal sun.

Do we need any further proof that the 1940s was truly the coolest decade of them all? Imagine that! People striking matches as they exit, while no doubt tipping their fedoras against the rain! A whole city full of Bogeys!

Of course, these plates would have been useless without strike-anywhere matches.

You can also light strike-anywhere matches off the bottom of your shoe, if you're wearing wingtips, which you should be, if you're cool and it's the 1940s.

Strike-anywhere matches are so superior to all other flame-providing technologies, for their versatility (strike anywhere!) to their inspiring pffffttt! noise to that satisfying little smoking wooden stick left clenched between your fingertips. Try to compete with that, Zippo! Zippo lighters are the choice of James Dean wannabes and motorcycle gangs. Strike-anywhere matches are the quintessence of elegance and functionality.

Even if you don't smoke, you should keep a large box of strike-anywhere matches in the house for (a) lighting the gas stove, or (b) lighting candles, or (c) masking that poo-poo smell in the bathroom, or (d) your kids to play with. Because they can do anything. They can strike anywhere. They may be matches, but to us they are...wait for it...matchless.

The Decision

Woods's cameo on Entourage sucked. But then again, he's said some pretty funny things recently about how bad movies are. In general, he tends to speak his mind like someone who stopped giving a fuck a long time ago. And we always have safety matches which, while boring, are safer.

The Winner

Woods