Catherine Zeta-Jones vs. Bagels

The Case For Catherine Zeta-Jones

First, the caveat: we mean no disrespect in pairing a celebrity in pitched battle with a baked good (or a garden tool, or a piece of furniture), in which the loser is banished to obsolescence and obscurity. We by no means intend to suggest that said celebrity, should they come out the loser, should be harmed, stalked, exiled, humiliated or hunted down in any way. It's simply a philosophical question: which one would you rather live without?

And besides, it's not like it isn't a fair fight. Hey, we really like bagels. And we like Ms. Zeta-Jones. We'd like her better if that was her full name -- Zeta Jones -- and she piloted a space ship and, you know, fought interstellar space pirates, but we won't hold that against her.

We like her style. We like her looks. She is, indisputably, one of Hollywood's most beautiful women, and she's definitely one of Hollywood's most beautiful women who's very likely quite a few years older than she officially admits to being.

But either way: beautiful. And not afraid to be curvy. In fact, she rocks this old-school vamp thing harder than just about anyone has for a very long time. As the rest of Hollywood whittles itself into an army of Zone-crafted zerobodyfatbots, Zeta Jones still understands that the road to a man's heart is a road with a lot of dangerous curves. Slippery when wet! Rooowrr!

Not only that, but she can act all right. She hasn't exactly been pushing herself since she and Michael Douglas merged their corporate interests, but she's got presence, and she deserved her Oscar. But best of all, she's just so damned unapologetic. When other stars are constantly trying to convince us they're just like us, and they love nothing more than sitting at home eating Taco Bell and watching FX, Zeta-Jones is lingering at the paparazzi line for one more indulgent moment, flashing that seductive smile and that outrageous diamond ring. She knows how to be a star, which is the best argument as to why she should remain one.

The Case For Bagels

Oh, delicious bagels. They're boiled, then baked. And, sorry New Yorkers, but you can't get a better one on the planet than in Montreal, Quebec. As a personal aside, your humble Man From F.U.N.K.L.E., while a poor student, would buy discounted bags of day-olds at a Montreal bagel shop and live off of those sweet, chewy dream-rings for a week.

Sure, they're kind of filling -- especially if they're done right -- but that's the whole point. They were invented to fill you up, cheap. And then with the lox and the cream cheese -- forget it!

On the downside, they don't freeze well. And pizza bagels are just a pain, no matter what anyone tells you. Because the cheese and sauce always drip through the hole in the middle while in the oven or microwave, and then you pull it out and there's cheese and sauce everywhere and the bagel's looking up at you, all like, "What did you expect? There's a hole right in the middle, goof!"

The Decision

So, which would you rather live without: C Z-J or bagels? It's a tough one. We do love the bagels, but find them harder to eat since we've been brainwashed with all the anti-carb propaganda. First they took our donuts. Then they took our bagels. Even hard rolls come with a mouthful of guilt. Yes, we'll wrap everything in whole-grain tortillas! Just stop torturing us!

And yet, ironically, C Z-J personifies exactly the kind of zaftig, laissez-faire embrace of the good life that's become all the more enticing in this stingy, bagel-unfriendly world. And that thing she did with her bum and the lasers in that thief movie with Sean Connery? That's not going to hurt her chances either.

In fact -- sorry, bagels -- but we're going to have to go with the swashbuckling space rascal. For one simple reason: if we can't celebrate her, then why bother having movie stars in the first place? Without her, we'd be stuck with that army of weight-obsessed automatons, who don't understand that while being an actor is all about "the work," being a movie star is all about intermarrying with other fame-o sapiens and spending as much time as possible somewhere in the Mediterranean, sunbathing topless on the deck of a yacht. We like to think that's what we'd do, if we ever married Michael Douglas. (We don't like to think of the other things we'd have to do if we ever married Michael Douglas.)

The Winner

Catherine Zeta-Jones