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We don't have anything against Claire Danes. We simply want some answers. Answers to questions like: Why is Claire Danes so famous? What has Claire Danes done for us lately? Why is Claire Danes staring out at us from the cover of InStyle magazine, in 1999, a good three years after her last movie of note (Romeo + Juliet, or, rather, William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet, lest there be any confusion) and a full five years after the quick sinking from sight of her loudly-acclaimed but little-watched TV series, My So-Called Life?
Let's roll back the clock to the release of WSR+J, which starred a young Miss Danes and a young Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio, who, at the time, arguably stood as Mr. and Miss Teen Idol America, and as such made apt choices for the leads in this very teen-friendly, almost slavishly teen friendly, film. (A status for Ms Danes which, we should remind you, was based solely on her starring turn in a TV show which almost nobody ever watched.) Leonardo went on to do Titanic. Claire Danes went on to do Polish Wedding. Not that there's anything wrong with following up a big commercial hit with a quirky, quiet drama; except, of course, when that quirky, quiet drama is also obviously terrible. (They're crazy! They're Polish! But they're still a family!) And, we're not agents, but we're thinking you might want to follow up said quirky, quiet drama with, say, another big commercial hit, or even another quirky drama that's a little less terrible, rather than following up with two huge commerical films that are even more terrible: films like, say, Les Miserables and, egads, The Mod Squad.
There are those of you who will jump to the defense of Claire Danes, because she was in that show you liked once and because she's cute and because she was in that show you liked once. And she was good in Little Women. To those people, we say, simply: I Love You, I Love You Not. To Gillian, on her 37th Birthday. U Turn. The Rainmaker. Home for the Holidays. How to Make an American Quilt.
Did somebody leave a fish on the dock? Because all we hear is flop, flop, flop.
How many more duds can she withstand before everyone in Hollywood decides that Katie Holmes will do just nicely, thanks? We're guessing two.
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