Mercury - Hotter than a match head "Hi, I'm Russell Crowe. Thanks for the award, even though it's getting tough to find room in my garage for all these statues, especially when me mates from me band come over for rehearsals. But all me prizes mean that, despite me infamous 'honesty' and 'straightforwardness' on-set, directors will still clamour to work with me. To which I say: bring 'em on, 'cause I ain't had me breakfast yet! Har! And for those of you out there who don't speak Crowe, here's a little translation of me acceptance speech: Ron Howard, thanks for providing a platform for your actors to take risks (i.e. keeping out of me bloody way). And thank you for your humility (i.e. concessions), consummate skill (i.e. turning on the camera to capture me brilliance), and your honor as a man (i.e. showing up on the set every morning, no matter how much I humiliated you the day before by putting you in a headlock, rubbing your bald head, and calling you 'Bitchie Cunninghack'). Good on ya, mate."

Venus - Hotter than a match that was just on fire, but isn't right now
"Hello, I'm Nicole Kidman. I'm so honoured that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thought I gave the best performance in a comedy or musical for Moulin Rouge!, and that you gave it to me for a role that was so rewarding and meaningful to me. There's one man I have to thank for the part, and that's...sure as hell not Tom Cruise! Who, by the way, did not get nominated for his big award bid, Vanilla Sky (you know, in case you hadn't noticed), whereas I was nominated for my performances in both of the movies I headlined this year! But I digress. I meant to thank my countryman Baz Luhrman, the fine Australian director who conceived and helmed Rouge. And there is another man who I never would have done this movie without, and that's...also not my ex-husband, Tom Cruise! Since he had no reason to be here tonight, I wonder what he's doing! Don't you? I hope he's watching this right now and choking on it. Anyway, Ewan McGregor -- he was great. Whatever. I also want to give a special shout-out to Russell Crowe up there on Mercury. He's a great actor, a proud Australian (okay, fine, New Zealander -- same difference), and the father of my unborn child...what? Oh -- that's just Down Under slang for 'really good friend.' You Americans wouldn't understand."

Earth - Hotter than a match that's been out for awhile
"Hello, I'm Hugh Jackman. I'm so proud to carry on the Australian winning streak, and to accept this award for my role in Kate & Leopold. I've never been more proud to be an Australian. I'd like to thank...what? I didn't win? But I heard my name!...Gene...what? Gene Hackman? Who? No, check again -- I'm pretty sure they said 'Hugh Jackman.' I have to have won! Don't you know I'm Australian? Check again -- Hugh Jackman! HUGH JACKMAN! Take your hands off me!"

Mars - Hotter than a match that's not yet lit
"Hi, I'm Dame Judi Dench. I'd like to say thank you to Dick Clark for thoughtfully including me in his round-up of Australian winners at the Golden Globes. Of course, I'm not actually Australian, and I didn't win a Golden Globe, or even attend the ceremony. Which made Dick's tribute all the more touching."

Jupiter - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night
"Hello, I'm Judy Davis. I think I'm the Australian Judy/i to whom Dick Clark was referring. Of course, I'm just basing that on the fact that I actually did win something. I mean, if you can call a Golden Globe 'something.' Well, I hardly need explicitly spell out just how little this award means to me, do I? I didn't even comb my hair for this 'event,' preferring to appear coiffed in a manner that would be unfavourably compared to a feathered hat. I could barely be bothered to schlep my way to the stage to accept the award. I pretty much just snatched it out of the hands of that poor little Benatar girl in her ridiculous Barbie dress. I drawled out a brief and perfunctory speech, and then strutted offstage like I owned the place. Which I do. Not that it's much worth owning. Thanks, I suppose."

Saturn - Hotter than a match that's not actually lit, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hi, I'm Harrison Ford. No, I'm not Australian, but I get to be in this Galaxy of Fame since tonight I'm getting the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. Now, who did you think they got to do the introduction? Maybe it'll be Georgie Lucas, who practically discovered me with American Graffiti and then shot me to stardom in Star Wars. Or hey, maybe it's Polanski! That's it! Sure, I only did one Polanski film, but it would sure be great to see him make his return to the U.S. to hand me the lifetime...hey! What the-- Ben Affleck? Ben! Affleck! Why, because he's in a movie playing a character I once played? Thanks a bunch! Geez, Steve Spielberg is sitting two feet away from me -- he couldn't do it? I'd settle for Billy Dee Williams, for crying out loud! Okay, that's it, you shits. You're definitely not getting the thirty-minute speech now."

Uranus - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice cube
"Hi, I'm Mel Gibson. Sure, I wasn't nominated for anything this year, but come on! I'm like Harrison Ford, but I'm Australian! I'm the Australian Harrison Ford! Why not give the DeMille award to me? Isn't that 'What Women Want'? Hey! There's nineteen seconds left! Don't look away! Please... don't... look... away...!"

Neptune - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice berg
"Hi, I'm Rachel Griffiths. I never thought I would win! No, I know everyone says that -- or is supposed to say that, at least -- but I really didn't. No one told us in advance that it would be almost a 100% Australian sweep, or I would have been prepared. I mean, come on, do you think I would have shown up looking like this if I'd had any inkling that I'd have to appear onstage? I didn't even bother to buy a slip, for heaven's sake! So, I'm sorry I pulled a Geena on you, there."

Pluto - Hotter than a match cleverly frozen into a novelty ice berg, in the drawer in the kitchen after you accidentally left the window open a crack all night, in winter
"Hi, I'm Yahoo Serious. You know it's bad enough that America failed to clasp me to her bosom way back when, but now people are stopping me on the street and mistaking me for Carrot Top. But after watching last night's show, I thought I'd remind you all that I, too, am Australian. I thought, in fact, that perhaps I could get a little residual loving. No? Okay. I'll let myself out."