Mercury - The Top-Rated Show in Primetime! "Hi, I'm Teri Hatcher. Thank you so much for this award. It means so much. You know, I'm not afraid to say that, just a few years ago, I was a has-been. But with recognition like this-- what? I have to wait? Only a nomination? Oh, come on! Seriously, let's just-- all right. Where are my notes? Just give me the acceptance speech and I'll-- I said give me my notes! Now just put in 'nomination' where it says 'award.' We'll just mad-lib it. Thanks. Okay. Where was I? Thank you so much for this nomination. It means so much..."

Venus - A Top Ten Show in Primetime!
"Hi, I'm Eva Longoria. I'd also like to say thanks for this nomination. It's such an honor to be included among my treasured castmates in this-- what? I didn't? What about Hatcher? Okay, well, what about Cross? Huffman? All of them? Oh, hell no."

Earth - Among the Top-Rated Shows on Basic Cable!
"Hi, we're the creators of Desperate Housewives. While we're honored to be nominated in the category of Outstanding Comedy, we feel we must admit that even though we submitted in the comedy category so we wouldn't have to compete against Deadwood, we know this show isn't actually funny. Not even sort of. In fact, it's a stretch to even call it a comedy. Maybe you should create a dramedy category, although, frankly, we don't have enough yuks to merit even the 'medy' part."

Mars - Maintaining a Healthy Audience of 18-to-35-Year-Old Males!
"Hi, we're the creators of Arrested Development. Remember us? Reigning Best Comedy winners? Well, you're really in a pickle now, aren't you? You thought we'd be gone this year, and you wouldn't have this problem. But now you've got to choose between us -- still the funniest show on TV -- and Desperate Housewives, a show that barely qualifies as a comedy. But then, what are you going to do? Not give the award to the runaway, network-saving hit, and give it to the faltering, barely-renewed-by-a-whisker sitcom? We didn't think so. Hey, you do what you have to do. We'll be back next year, and we'll still be funnier than all the rest of these shows combined."

Jupiter - The Highest-Rated Debut in Bravo History!
"Hi, I'm William Shatner. Thanks for the nomination in the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama category. I'm thrilled to be included among such talented men as Alan Alda, Oliver Platt, and Naveen Something. As longtime readers of Fametracker know, however, this site is a big fan of me and my mind-blowing, near-biblical awesomeness. So I only think it's fair to warn everyone that I'm not only going to win this category, but several others as well. Outstanding Lead Actor in a Mini-Series -- mine. Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy -- step to the podium, Shat. Outstanding Animation Series (Less Than An Hour) -- and the winner is, Yours Shatner. Yes, I'll capture all of them. You might laugh, but I've broken boundaries before. I am legion. I am legend. I contain multitudes. For I am Shatner. And I Will Not Be Denied."

Saturn - One of TNT's Top-Rated Shows!
"Hi, we're Sandra Oh. Just so you know, giving me an award would automatically make the Emmys ten times more excellent than the Oscars. Carry on."

Uranus - Drew Many More Viewers Than The Show It Replaced!
"Hi, we're Holland Tyler and Conchata Ferrell. We're lovely, talented actresses, both nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy for our roles in Two and Half Men. We're very grateful, but shamed as well, since this honor has an unfortunate side effect. From here on out, you'll be forced to deal with a phrase you never thought you'd hear in your lives: 'Tune in tonight to the Emmy-nominated Two and a Half Men."

Neptune - Steadily Building a Following!
"Hi, we're Antiques Roadshow. We'd like to offer congratulations to our fellow nominees in the Outstanding Reality Show category: Survivor, the pioneer -- no? Really? Okay, then, The Apprentice, you've always -- no? Well, Amazing Race, looks like it's just us -- nope? Really? All those fancy shows, with their flashy promos and big budgets, didn't get nominated? And guess who did, bitches? That's right! The Roadshow is all up in this Emmy telecast! Why don't you bring your sad, non-nominated asses up here so we can evaluate their worth for you? Oh, here's an estimate, Mark Burnett: you just got Roadshow'd, punk!"

Pluto - We're Confident That, Given Time, It Will Find An Audience In This New Time Slot!
"Hi, I'm Dave Chappelle. Yes, I'm nominated. Yes, I might win. And, I guess, there's a chance I'd be there to accept. Now think about it -- just how potentially awesome would that be? Makes you wonder if that whole breakdown/disappearing act/South African retreat business was all just an elaborate ruse to get you to watch the boring-ass Emmys for one more year."