Mercury - Molten lava "Hi, we're Paul Haggis and Cathy Schulman, the producers of Crash. We are thrilled that all you Academy were able to fight against the virulent racism so many of you, as residents of Los Angeles, can't help feeling, and give us the award for Best Picture. We suppose that you were shamed by how our film shone a klieg light on the one or two subtle and fifty or so un-subtle ways that race and class divisions play out on a completely unremarkable, average day in Los Angeles among persons who aren't members of the Aryan Nation. And we applaud you for appreciating the totally informed position we took on racial relations -- the kind of view that can only be developed by two wealthy white people. Congratulations to all of you for having the courage to acknowledge our courage."

Venus - Boiling oil
"Hi, I'm Terrence Howard, and if I couldn't get nominated for my role in such an important film as Crash, which you may have also heard me yammering about like it's some kind of runaway classic hit, saying that 'the people' wouldn't stand for it to be overlooked come Oscar time, then it's nearly as nice to accept the award for Best Actor playing an ambitious pimp in Hustle & Flow. And I really do think of the two pictures as companion pieces: first, Crash sends a message to the black community that all white people -- even educated, liberal ones -- secretly hate and fear them; then Hustle & Flow reminds them that there will always be a market for black women's sexual favours and black people's music. To the late Martin Luther and Coretta Scott King: you are welcome."

Earth - Boiling water
"Hi, I'm Hany Abu-Assad, director of Paradise Now. Thank you for including, among your Foreign Language Films, works originating with The Palestinian Authority. I apologize if it means that you get deluged next year with submissions from 'countries' like 'The Sovereign Nation Of Margaret Szykowski' or "Kensylvania.'"

Mars - Hot soup
"Hi, I'm Gabriella Pescucci, costume designer for Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Now that you've given me this career-capping honour, I have a confession to make: all of Deep Roy's costumes for the film came from Gymboree."

Jupiter - Room-temperature oatmeal
"Hi, I'm Rachel Weisz. It's ever so kind of you to give me the award for Best Supporting Actress -- so lovely of you, in fact, that I'm not even going to quibble about whether my role in The Constant Gardener was a co-lead. But never mind that -- thank you for this charming statue, which will look divine in the house I share in Brooklyn with my fiancé Darren Aronofsky. ...What's that? Yes, I am actually taken. No, I will not make out with you. No, it doesn't matter how many times you voted for me, Miss Jolie."

Saturn - Cold milk and cereal
"Hi, I'm Hayao Miyazaki, director of Howl's Moving Castle. I realize that my winning this award means that all your film-snob friends, who are already bugging you about seeing my movies even though Princess Mononoke already put you to sleep in the actual theatre, are only going to kick that kind of talk into overdrive, and for that, I apologize. Look, I'd rather pop in Lilo & Stitch too, but people seem to eat up all this thinky crap with a spoon, God knows why. Maybe they wouldn't if they knew I got the 'moving castle' idea from that house that could pick itself up and run away from robbers on The Simpsons."

Uranus - Gazpacho
"Hi, I'm Felicity Huffman. Thank you for recognizing how difficult it was for me to play a pre-op male transsexual living as a woman in Transamerica, and yes, before you make any cracks, yes, it was a stretch, even though I have a squarer jaw, thicker neck, and flatter chest than Topher Grace. But see me in my gown? Can you tell now that I am all woman?! Oh well, I guess you'll just have to be convinced by my next film: The Janet Reno Story."

Neptune - Just-melted ice
"Hi, we're Dave Elsey and Nikki Gooley, makeup designers on Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge Of The Sith. We'd really like to make a speech about what a lot of pressure it was for us to have the only nomination bestowed upon the last-ever Star Wars movie, but reading out all the punctuation in the movie title used up...yep, all our time. Tha-- [Orchestra begins playing]"

Pluto - Liquid nitrogen
"Hi, I'm William Hurt. It was enough of a shock for me even to get nominated for my minuscule role in A History Of Violence, but then actually to win the award somehow? When I racked up less screen time than -- and managed a performance only half as convincing as -- the coffee pot at Viggo Mortensen's diner? In fact...you know, I am inspired by that time Ving Rhames gave his Golden Globe to Jack Lemmon to right another wrong. Sunbeam? Get out here!"