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Hello, I'm Will Patton. My intense staring eyes, facility with accents, and anonymous cauliflower face have resulted in my being cast as a criminal equally as often as I'm cast as a cop. I have a strange, menacing smile, though the object of my menace can turn on a dime. Am I chasing down my reckless wife, murder in my eyes? Am I gazing at an asteroid on a collision course with the earth -- one I've been dispatched to destroy? Am I in hot pursuit of an aging Scottish cat burglar? Am I keeping my nubile daughters away from those boys from the wrong side of the tracks, by any means necessary? I am all of these things, and more.

There was a time when I thought I might bust out of the character actor ghetto. It was around the time I was cast as Bethlehem, a super-villain in a movie based on a popular, epic science fiction novel. Unfortunately, that movie turned out to be The Postman, an ill-conceived Kevin Costner vanity project, and of the fourteen people who saw it, not one remembered my name. Perhaps Breakfast of Champions -- an ill-conceived Bruce Willis vanity project -- will rocket me to David Paymer country. If not, I guess I'll have to wait until TNT does another quickie Civil War movie and needs me to play a Confederate colonel. Fuck Kristofferson.